How often is it that you’ll be catching a train, or walking through a beautiful city’s streets and come to realise there’s an abundance of living, crumb-snatching gulls or pigeons. What in the world is the point of their existence? To squawk endlessly, causing mind-numbing aneurysms?
I fail to comprehend why in particular, seagulls stray from the seaside. You are called a seagull. Please return to Bondi beach and attack the bikini-clad Swedish tourists… the toddler in the playground doesn’t need your dirty stares.
And pigeons? Why are you around? To make the seagulls look good? Well, it’s a success. Anything else you’re good at besides flying into oncoming trains? No? I didn’t think so.
Birds seem to be the most useless of creatures. Particularly those that wander around on the pavement as if you own the sidewalk. Sorry guys, that role’s taken by Oxford St’s glamour kings and queens.
Their role, I tell you, is to be the anti-litter bug, the garbage cleaners of the skies if you will. They eat anything and everything that gets put in front of them. I wouldn’t be surprised if I found the remains of a five-week old baby inside a pelican.
And penguins? You may be cute and rather stylish when it comes to the Antarctic Academy Awards, but let’s face it. Darwinism has proved that you’re the preferred play toy for every predator in the southern ocean. You and seals. I hate the smell of their breath.
Birds, I hate you too. I hate your ability to duck out of the way of my feet (oh yes, I also hate your existence within the english language) and then fly on overhead and lay one on me for “luck”. You suck.
I hate the way you look so pathetic when huddled in a group in a public square. You make homeless people look happy. Why are you all so miserable? Why are you so boring? Pigeons, why are you so grey?
Birds, I hate your capabilities.
Why can you fly, yet a human (who has a much broader comprehension of this here planet), must use a giant aeroplane to get off the ground?
It’s proof that you’re all show offs. You all exist to prove that humans belong on the ground and that you’re a much superior species than we are when it comes to the skies above.
I’m jealous of you. I’m envious that you have the option to travel far and wide. But I hate that you’re all habitual, a reminder of the pathetic lives that humans themselves lead. Why not fly away and see what the world truly has to offer?
I have a plan. Cross-breed a human with a bird. Let’s make some angels out of our two species. We’ll finally work together to achieve something. No more chip stealing at the family picnic and no more covering my car in guano. Unless you’re willing to pay for the cleaning.
I still hate you all, and always will. No matter how pretty parrots are.
Oh and, don’t even get me started on kookaburras and cockatoos….