Alternagays will rule the world

Feel like you’re out of the loop? You’re not alone. Here’s the anti-scene queen (Ryan Auberson-Walsh)’s guide to being an Alternagay.

Being a sexy member of Sydney’s gay community was once a personal lifelong aspiration. Though as reality began to set in towards the end of high school, it seems my path of becoming the ultimate chiselled social butterfly disappeared completely in favour of fate dealing me some rather alternative playing cards.

Forever more I shall be known as an alternagay. And this little guide here is what will certainly prove the easiest of steps to becoming the man of your dreams. Or nightmares – it just depends on how big and carefree you look in the mirror.

Step One – Avoid Oxford St, head to Newtown

At least don’t step foot on the southern side unless you’re hitting up Hungry Jacks at three in the morning after a night at one of the many (much better) mixed venues. For the simple reason that it’s where you’ll feel the uneasiest for being an outcast and not looking the same for having a “perfect” body that was shaped with steroids and copious amounts of sweaty butt fucking. Prepare to cry at the sight of ARQ.

Step Two – Don’t do drugs

Perhaps this is where I should be clearer. Don’t do anything but marijuana or alcohol. Whilst ingesting, laugh at the sights of all the drunken and doped up fools around you. If in doubt on what you’re allowed to drink, put yourself in the shoes of a fifty-year-old divorcee and shot it, fill it with bourbon/whisky or drink it straight – oh, the irony in that remark.

Step Three – Refuse the urge to diet; eat well

Eat anything with vegetables or that’s labelled vegetarian/vegan – this is the most authentic means of digesting food from the alternagay diet. If you must eat meat, make sure it’s hearty and heavy enough so you can still feel a pulse within the carcass on your dinner plate.

Step Four – Throw away your gym membership

Hubba bubba, I’ve got a lot of chubba. There’s something key to being different from the crowd here, and that’s to not fuss over the amount of protein in your diet and to spend more than two hours per day working on your abs, biceps and gluteus maximus. You are just the way you are and you need to be calm, cool and content with how you are naturally. The only exercise one should need is walking to the nearest Bottle-O or bus stop (catching public transport is ideal in portraying the life of a homosexual hippie).

Tattoos make an excellent addition to the alternagay look.

Step Five – Pierce and tattoo every naked orifice on your body

With the exception of your tongue or either eyebrow, the rest of your skin should be a tapestry of tattoos and piercings that truly embellishes the queerness within. An expressive form, they place the alternative appeal of an anti-scene queen on a pedestal for all the gays to admire – or mock. I’m still not sure what’s behind all those pearly white smiles.

Step Six – Don’t shave or wax

Don’t bother too much with the grooming process. Dress for comfort as opposed to style. Opt for bagginess over tight-fitting tanks and don’t consider shaving or waxing any part of your beautiful body to please another soul. If you’re at the top of the alternagay pyramid you’d be lucky enough to have a braidable beard.

Step Seven – Don’t wear makeup

No need for foundation, eyeliner or cover up of any sort. Being wild and free is the best philosophy. So enjoy your natural age, and the delightful crevices on your skin. Each mark on your body has a story to tell.

Step Eight – Go West

Move to Parramatta. Or to Penrith. Essentially get as far away from Darlinghurst and the Eastern Suburbs without completely eliminating your existence amongst the gay community. Basically cross the Strathfield meridian and you’ll notice you’re in a dull, colourless void of glitter-free gayness. Out here you’d most likely be on the down low and not care to gossip amongst your friends about your latest hunk and the size of his John.

And finally, to complete the look, become an alcoholic for all the wrong reasons.

Tah dah! You’ve become a man-fucking heterosexual or Alternagay for short.

Enjoy days of being eyed up and down for your lack of personal care and I-don’t-give-a-shit-attitude. Your troubles concerning the scene will all slowly roll away – just as you will when wanting to move from the couch to the kitchen.

This article first appeared on SameSame.com.au followed by Querelle

The Motherf*cker with the Hat

Former altar boy Troy Harrison is a 33-year-old man who’s on a quest for blood and glory. Well, not literally. Though he is a tenacious actor on a noble mission to bring the stories of a Puerto Rican New Yorker to life on the Sydney stage.

Harrison is both an actor and on the production team of upcomingplay The Motherf*cker With the Hat. The show delves into the mind of former addict Jackie (Harrison) and his drink-loving high school sweetheart Veronica (Zoe Trilsbach) as they navigate their rekindled relationship under the guidance of sponsor Ralph D (John Atkinson).

Harrison himself describes it a little more poetically: “In a nutshell, the play’s about real people. It’s about fidelity. It’s about trust. It’s about relationships. It’s about moving your life forward and figuring out the things that are holding you back … in a very funny, abusive way”. And, we imagine it’s also about a hat that seems to fuck everything up.

The play is fresh from a six-time Tony-nominated stint in the Big Apple and is now being revived by newly created company Workhorse Theatre Co.. Harrison points out that although this performance might not have Chris Rock or Bobby Cannavale as the leading actors, it still pulls its weight.

“Obviously when you’vegot something on Broadway and something from an independent production house in Sydney, Australia, there are going to be differences. Most of it’s going to come from budget. There’s a lot of things that they were able to do that we just can’t,” Harrison tells Vertigo.

“We’ve done what we can to create a believable world for the audience, but there’s no real difference [compared to the original production]. The people on Broadway did the same thing as what we’re doing – just trying to find the truth in the characters and go on from there.”

Ellen to star in Nemo sequel

Australia’s favourite out American talkshow star has confirmed that she’ll be returning to her role as a forgetful and loveable fish for the sequel to Finding Nemo.

Ellen DeGeneres will lend her voice for the sequel – to be titled Finding Dory – slated to hit the big screen in 2015 as the colourful Regal Tang that brought us laughs from the original 2003 film all about the mysterious lives of underwater creatures off Australia’s world-renowned eastern coastline.

Uruguay set for marriage equality

The Uruguayan Senate yesterday passed legislation 23-8 that will mean the South American country is set to become the 15th in the world to legally endorse marriage equality.

The nation’s current law provides same-sex couples with the opportunity to attain a civil union, but the Senate has gone one step further after the bill was approved by the lower house in December last year. President José Mujica says he intends to sign the bill into law.

According to the Associated Press, the new legislation would also mean that any couple, regardless of sexual orientation, will be able to decide whose surname is used first when naming their children.

Uruguay will follow its neighbour Argentina to become the second country in Latin America that legally allows marriage equality nationwide (it’s only recognised in some regions of Brazil and Mexico).

Other countries that allow wedded unions between gay and lesbian couples include The Netherlands, Belgium, Spain, Canada, South Africa, Norway, Sweden, Portugal, Iceland, Denmark, and parts of the USA.

We still can’t help but think back to early 1995 and reminisce on a hilarious The Simpsons episode set in Australia where Homer pronounces the small South American country as “you are gay.” It seems the dim-witted Homer may have been onto something all along…

This article was originally published on 03/04/2013 on SameSame.com.au

Holidays + #Instagram

Following a recent trip to Australia’s other top dog city in Victoria, I can safely say that I’ll never take my iPhone or Instagram account for granted again.

People laugh and poke fun at those who even have an account that’s not Facebook – that too was once laughed at and mocked – simply because they deem it uncool or, as some people tend to put it these days, is “for mere hipsters and not us mortal folk.” Yes, I’m almost certain I didn’t just make that up in my head.

There’s a particular joy that comes with having the ability to achieve photographer genius in under 27 seconds with the use of another glorious Apple product. And then receiving a bulk of ‘likes’ from people who appreciate/admire your creative efforts is just the cherry on top.

Melbourne was a highly Instagrammable city (that too is something I don’t think I just made up), where delights and a European-style sense of street life paved the way for my photographic prowess as I captured all of the most glorious moments for the entire Instagramming public to see.

Out in Australia’s armed forces

While the United States only recently ended its Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell policy on gays in the military, Australia has allowed gay men and lesbians to serve openly since 1992.

Over the years, the Australian Armed Forces are becoming more and more socially accepting of those who are part of the queer community, active service people tell us. A tough battle for acknowledgment and equal treatment has finally resulted in a happier and healthier working environment.

Three service people of the armed forces who are members of DEFGLIS, the Australian Defence Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender and Intersex information service, were kind enough to open up to Same Same about their time serving the sunburnt country thus far.

Born in Brisbane, Flight Lieutenant Nathan White (pictured above) has been in the Royal Australian Air Force (RAAF) for just under a decade and hasn’t yet reached his highest potential. He tells us he has big plans for the coming years on the job.

White has wanted to fly since childhood, he explains. “I have since I flew the first time when I was seven years old and then I found out about Defence at about age 13 or 14, so I knuckled down, studied hard and got in.

“I did three years at university and then two years of flight training to get my wings. From there, operational conversion is six months. So, total that up and 5 ½ years later and you’re a qualified pilot,” he explains.

“I would like to be a flight commander. I think that would be really rewarding. I guess that’s my goal for the next five years with the next promotion.”

Why pulling a Monty Burns isn’t so bad…

With the horrible exception of the recent flooding dilemma* that’s sweeping across our sunburnt nation quicker than the chicken pox in a kindergarten classroom, the ‘bad’, rainy weather in Australia isn’t all that disastrous.

This here is however a direct reference to one Mr Monty Burns, a kind hearted character from everybody’s favourite primetime animated comedy series, Le Simpsons. What kind of man would show the slightest sense of evil if he still enjoyed the accompaniment of his teddy bear Bobo?

There was an episode a good few seasons back that put a spark in everyone’s eye brighter than lightning in a thunderstorm. Remember when Maggie got all ghetto and shot Monty after he abused his power? I’m talking about that occasion.

Blocking out the sun was a fabulous idea. I’m sure people all over the world in Arab nations and desert states were in full agreement that there are times in our summer periods when all we want to do is push a shiny red knob and have instant, controllable shade. There are miniature, more private alternatives in Australia which are known as pergolas and awnings, though they couldn’t possibly do the trick if we want to lay on the beach or bicycle through the breeze at Bronte without risking higher rates of sunburn, or worse, skin cancer.

What if the royal baby turned out gay?

Just as marriage equality and gender equality have been pushed in recent times in Britain, parliamentarians are considering updating a law that would affect the royal family’s line of succession.

The parliament is debating a bill that will introduce legislation to allow the first-born child of Prince William and Kate Middleton to rule as monarch regardless of their gender. Labour MP Paul Flynn is now pushing for an extension to this new law to provide the same opportunity for a child if they become a gay or lesbian adult.

If Flynn’s own stance on the issue is taken seriously and becomes law, there may very well one day be an openly gay or lesbian ruler of the Commonwealth in a same-sex relationship with legal recognition as partners.

Pink News reports, “Any children born to the couple through artificial insemination or surrogacy would succeed to the throne so long as the couple are in a same-sex marriage or civil partnership.”

However, any children that may be adopted by the couple would not be illegible for succession based on current laws that MPs might not care to change.

First and foremost, the speaker of the House of Commons John Bercow would need to accept the amendment in order for a full debate to commence. As a strong supporter of LGBT rights, Pink News writes that it’s “almost certain” and “is expected to have the support of many Labour, Liberal Democrats and most Conservatives that back David Cameron’s plans to introduce same-sex marriage.”

In a similar move for a fairer ascension to the throne, the only remaining obstacle is altering the law so that royals could marry a Catholic, despite the religious and legal complexities of this issue. The royal monarch has been the Supreme Governor of the Church of England since the time of King Henry VIII, and the church are officially opposed to same-sex marriage.

Same Same wonders what Queen Lizzy II’s stance on all of this is…?

Originally published at SameSame on 24/01/2013

Gillard makes deal with Christian Lobby again

The Prime Minister has assured conservative faith-based institutions that they’ll still be able to turn away gays and lesbians under proposed new anti-discrimination laws.

Under current law, government funded religious schools and hospitals have the privilege to turn away teachers and students from their institutions for not sharing their beliefs.

The Sydney Morning Herald reports that Julia Gillard and her Labor Party cohorts met up with the head of the Australian Christian Lobby, Jim Wallace.

“She has no intention of restricting freedom of religion,” says Wallace in regards to the legal rights of religious groups when hiring and firing.

The PM previously promised Wallace she would protect the institution of marriage as being between a man and a woman, as discovered in a filmed interview prior to her election in 2010.

The NSW Government has made a submission to the Human Rights and Anti-discrimination Bill 2012that proposes that the current law remain intact, continuing to provide a religious exemption for institutions who wish to dismiss staff and students who don’t stand on the same moral ground.

Sydney MP Alex Greenwich has announced that he will write to the PM “seeking her justification for allowing publicly funded religious providers free-range to discriminate against groups including gay and lesbian Australians.”

“The Prime Minister has a duty to protect those affected by discrimination, not those practising it,” he says.

“By allowing hospitals and schools to practice discrimination, the Prime Minister is supporting breeding grounds for homophobia.”

Greenwich will also request that Gillard meet with any who are suffering “as a result of the discriminatory practices of tax-payer funded religious service providers.”

Attorney-General Nicola Roxon released the draft bill late last year and received more than 3,000 submissions in response. The bill will mesh together five separate pieces of legislation into a single Act, aiming to strengthen protections for sexual orientation and gender diversity under federal law.

Openly-gay federal Finance Minister Penny Wong will push the bill through parliament. Once the bill is passed, older LGBTI and gender diverse people will no longer be discriminated against and refused refuge in aged care homes based on their sexuality and gender orientation.

Jim Wallace has made the Australian Christian Lobby’s view clear, but a wide range of other religious denominations have not yet stated their position.

 

Originally posted at SameSame on 16/01/2013

Hating on NOH8

There seems to be an awfully large number of campaigns out there that are pushing for marriage equality and fighting against discrimination. But to me, they’re nowhere near as successful as they could be without whirlwind community action.

Take the internationally recognised NOH8 campaign for example. Featuring a bountiful amount of celebrities and well-known faces, they put on a little light makeup and jump in front of the camera for Adam Bouska. Whether it’s a finger to their lips, or a subtle f**k you stare into your soul, Bouska’s magic always fails to strike a chord here Down Under.

It really is a rarity that they’ll produce a portrait effective enough to move the butterflies that have fluttered together inside my stomach.

Their mission statement says, “The NOH8 Campaign is a charitable organization whose mission is to promote marriage, gender and human equality through education, advocacy, social media, and visual protest.”

Without dissing the tragedy of America’s take on the English language, you’d be pushed to read between the lines that they actually do anything except take a few pretty pictures. Where’s the campaigning that ended in rioting? The protesting that had people physically fighting for what they believe in? People have taken refuge behind their glass computer screens and camera lenses in fear of taking any real action.

That there is where campaigning has gone awry, easily differentiated from those activists and political-shakers of yesteryear. NOH8 pins their breed of activism as a “photographic silent protest”, but please tell me what good being silent was for the community.

It may however have something that’s more to do with America’s shifting technological culture – hiding behind closed study doors as opposed to braving the streets for the good of the people. Thinking about the Rally for Marriage Equality that was held on November 25 at Sydney’s Town Hall, I’m always keen to participate in an event that encourages the use of our voices and marching bodies with the emphasis of the almighty megaphone.

Online petitions, ‘sharing’ a few Facebook photos or retweeting someone has become the nitty gritty of campaigning, though they’re relatively unsuccessful and unnoticeable in my eyes.

Being silent isn’t, and never will be, the key to a successful campaign. That much can be credited to our politicians and the newly elected President of the United States. To act boisterous and confident is definitely an Australian thing though – from the footy fields to the queerest of nightclubs, Aussies are the people that know how to use their tongues for good.

To new technology, I reject you – with the exception of my brand new iPhone 5. It’s all useless when you can always get off your arse and make a serious impact – way better than imprinting a dent on your vintage leather sofa.

Personally, I’m all for the wonders of new technology, but I’ll always prefer seeing a drag queen strut down George St to promote gender equality over photos plastered on the internet any day. That’ll get people talking. That’ll get the ball rolling.