Feel like you’re out of the loop? You’re not alone. Here’s the anti-scene queen (Ryan Auberson-Walsh)’s guide to being an Alternagay.
Being a sexy member of Sydney’s gay community was once a personal lifelong aspiration. Though as reality began to set in towards the end of high school, it seems my path of becoming the ultimate chiselled social butterfly disappeared completely in favour of fate dealing me some rather alternative playing cards.
Forever more I shall be known as an alternagay. And this little guide here is what will certainly prove the easiest of steps to becoming the man of your dreams. Or nightmares – it just depends on how big and carefree you look in the mirror.
Step One – Avoid Oxford St, head to Newtown
At least don’t step foot on the southern side unless you’re hitting up Hungry Jacks at three in the morning after a night at one of the many (much better) mixed venues. For the simple reason that it’s where you’ll feel the uneasiest for being an outcast and not looking the same for having a “perfect” body that was shaped with steroids and copious amounts of sweaty butt fucking. Prepare to cry at the sight of ARQ.
Step Two – Don’t do drugs
Perhaps this is where I should be clearer. Don’t do anything but marijuana or alcohol. Whilst ingesting, laugh at the sights of all the drunken and doped up fools around you. If in doubt on what you’re allowed to drink, put yourself in the shoes of a fifty-year-old divorcee and shot it, fill it with bourbon/whisky or drink it straight – oh, the irony in that remark.
Step Three – Refuse the urge to diet; eat well
Eat anything with vegetables or that’s labelled vegetarian/vegan – this is the most authentic means of digesting food from the alternagay diet. If you must eat meat, make sure it’s hearty and heavy enough so you can still feel a pulse within the carcass on your dinner plate.
Step Four – Throw away your gym membership
Hubba bubba, I’ve got a lot of chubba. There’s something key to being different from the crowd here, and that’s to not fuss over the amount of protein in your diet and to spend more than two hours per day working on your abs, biceps and gluteus maximus. You are just the way you are and you need to be calm, cool and content with how you are naturally. The only exercise one should need is walking to the nearest Bottle-O or bus stop (catching public transport is ideal in portraying the life of a homosexual hippie).
Step Five – Pierce and tattoo every naked orifice on your body
With the exception of your tongue or either eyebrow, the rest of your skin should be a tapestry of tattoos and piercings that truly embellishes the queerness within. An expressive form, they place the alternative appeal of an anti-scene queen on a pedestal for all the gays to admire – or mock. I’m still not sure what’s behind all those pearly white smiles.
Step Six – Don’t shave or wax
Don’t bother too much with the grooming process. Dress for comfort as opposed to style. Opt for bagginess over tight-fitting tanks and don’t consider shaving or waxing any part of your beautiful body to please another soul. If you’re at the top of the alternagay pyramid you’d be lucky enough to have a braidable beard.
Step Seven – Don’t wear makeup
No need for foundation, eyeliner or cover up of any sort. Being wild and free is the best philosophy. So enjoy your natural age, and the delightful crevices on your skin. Each mark on your body has a story to tell.
Step Eight – Go West
Move to Parramatta. Or to Penrith. Essentially get as far away from Darlinghurst and the Eastern Suburbs without completely eliminating your existence amongst the gay community. Basically cross the Strathfield meridian and you’ll notice you’re in a dull, colourless void of glitter-free gayness. Out here you’d most likely be on the down low and not care to gossip amongst your friends about your latest hunk and the size of his John.
And finally, to complete the look, become an alcoholic for all the wrong reasons.
Tah dah! You’ve become a man-fucking heterosexual or Alternagay for short.
Enjoy days of being eyed up and down for your lack of personal care and I-don’t-give-a-shit-attitude. Your troubles concerning the scene will all slowly roll away – just as you will when wanting to move from the couch to the kitchen.