Why pulling a Monty Burns isn’t so bad…

With the horrible exception of the recent flooding dilemma* that’s sweeping across our sunburnt nation quicker than the chicken pox in a kindergarten classroom, the ‘bad’, rainy weather in Australia isn’t all that disastrous.

This here is however a direct reference to one Mr Monty Burns, a kind hearted character from everybody’s favourite primetime animated comedy series, Le Simpsons. What kind of man would show the slightest sense of evil if he still enjoyed the accompaniment of his teddy bear Bobo?

There was an episode a good few seasons back that put a spark in everyone’s eye brighter than lightning in a thunderstorm. Remember when Maggie got all ghetto and shot Monty after he abused his power? I’m talking about that occasion.

Blocking out the sun was a fabulous idea. I’m sure people all over the world in Arab nations and desert states were in full agreement that there are times in our summer periods when all we want to do is push a shiny red knob and have instant, controllable shade. There are miniature, more private alternatives in Australia which are known as pergolas and awnings, though they couldn’t possibly do the trick if we want to lay on the beach or bicycle through the breeze at Bronte without risking higher rates of sunburn, or worse, skin cancer.

Get out of my way!

Dear idiot standing directly in front of the opening doors,

We all have our pet hates. Each of them excruciating in their own right and to a completely different degree. When it comes to things I dislike, you’d hate to know the real me. Everyone that does is well aware that I complain a lot. And by a lot, I mean every living moment of the day. It’s what I do best really.

But when it comes to those things that particularly peeve me off, I could rattle at least ten things off the top of my head quicker than a flash of lightening. Yet the number one spot is a harsh win over vacuuming… and that would be people moving around in public. It’s to do with their positioning, their speed, their ignorance and laziness, their lack of care, the ugly bald spots on the back of their heads and the fact they’re constantly in your way.

You’d think that people would feel some sort of demonic presence behind them breathing eerily down their backs… but no, they don’t realise their worst nightmare, I, Ryan Auberson-Walsh, am staring at the back of their head controlling my right hand from spasming and pushing them off the side of the esculator into the retail abyss below.

“Get out of my way” has now become a common phrase that feistily tangos off my lips more than once a day. And if it doesn’t, it’s because I pity you. You stupid, young fool.

My argument comes to enshroud the group of people that insist on waddling like penguins down the centre of the bitumen, standing in the middle of the esculator, blocking the exit to an elevator, train, tram or bus. It’s simple… if you step back that one foot, or move to the side and pretend you’re in the slow lane at the swimming pool, two amazing things will happen:
1. You won’t have your feet stamped on and you won’t be crushed by a gaggle of gits emerging from said elevator, train, tram or bus, and
2. You won’t be yelled at, or worse, have a brick thrown at your head for being an inconsiderate nob.

Common courtesy has all but gone out the window… which is where you’ll be going next if you don’t shuffle to the left and let someone else apart from your backpack occupy that seat. Do you hear me?

Because the poor, frustrated, impatient ones among us sure do. I think it’s about time you all got a taste of your own medicine. Let’s go all hippie on them and fill their exhaust pipes with flowers and groceries with bowling balls…

Same principle, right? Well, not exactly, but I simply wish to see you all suffer.

It’s 12:38am and that’s all you’ll get in terms of honesty today. Love it or leave it… or simply get the hell out of my way.

Your dear raving lunatic and loather of Sydney’s CityRail system,
Ryan Auberson-Walsh

That house isn’t fooling anyone.

McMansions are the inbred cousins of real estate.

All those completely misleading picture perfect housing estates are not unique and full of vibrant character…. They’re prefabricated copies of something not even Jim Masterton himself would live in, and they’re coming to a suburb near you.

I grew up learning of the beauties behind suburban life. Yet little these days is giving me hope of something as glamorous as owning my own home away from all the hustle and bustle, especially if Mr O’Farrell remains complacent about NSW’s infrastructure checklist.

With suburbia morphing into an infectious weed, slowly creeping further toward Sydney’s native bushland, our dear Barry’s lack of infrastructure supply never seems to reach all the new housing he’s been pushing for (Though technically none of the structures are anything close to new by design).

I’m also highly concerned that the ideal lifestyle of owning our own homes is limited to choosing between a price tag for the effortlessly rich or a price tag more affordable, with a less pleasing cost… living in something that resembles every other house on the block.

You’d think that architects could at least come up with some more interesting designs, rather than making a few blueprint photocopies and getting ignorant approvals by developers. If I had a three-year-old daughter she would be able to design a home grander than anything you’d see on a Mirvac plot.

So to those who are blinded by the [much] cheaper price tag, think again. Is living in ‘paradise’ really worth encouraging developers to build brick-and-mortar-copies of your home for the crazy cat lady down the street? No, I didn’t think so.

The next time you’re about to sign over your better judgement, at least consider a paint job. That change in brick colour’s not fooling anyone.

Down with planned communities, your humble local architect for president.

Letter to a future exchange student*

Dear Self (in the future),

Enjoying watermelon at present. Sitting on padded chair with lop-sided backside. Watermelon bigger than Miki’s head. Whilst away, primary goal is to gain fluency in host country’s language. Dream and dream in foreign tongues. 将来、 あなたの日本語がとてもいいなりたいですよ！
Brought to attention by group; don’t gain over 5 kilograms. Hope for Japan. If don’t get it, who cares?
You know what? You’ve grown up. You’re certain of who you are. You’re comfortable in your own skin, and you have lived a year of fulfillment. Feel proud.
To future self, perhaps you now have nicer hair? That’d be good. If not, go to hairdressers immediately.
In your country, you should have visited at least two major cities, seen at least 20 major tourist attractions, thrown an amazing 18th whilst away. Brag to friends about it being better. Stay in touch with host families nag-dammit!
Hopefully you’ve become a human. Grown from any form of selfishness and evolved. This is the only prayer you will ever pray.

Ryan :]

19/06/2010

*Written prior to going on exchange in 2011 to Germany. One can see how psychotic I once was.
x

I found this quite cute.

We are young…

In the noble words of former Britpop band Supergrass (and no I’m not referring to keeping our teeth clean, although dental hygiene is important), “see our friends, see the sights, feel alright. And that’s exactly what I intend to do… make the most of my youth, in fact the most of my life. :]

You never know when one may just kick the bucket…

So quite recently I took to seeing those upbeat lyrics in action and rounded up a few friends and explored Augsburg’s amazing alleys, main streets, christmas lights, and cinemas… (yes, that’s a plural). Photos can be seen below. ;]

So get outdoors kiddies, and I don’t mean kick around a football… try something new…
because we are young, and before arthritis and wrinkles kick in (I hear it happens sooner than you think), we seriously need to live the true meaning of being a fun-loving teenager.

Ryan
x

Meet some friends. [Animails #2]

Thanks to Kim’s crafty skills (and access to a scanner), we’re underway with the Animails project. So here’s an introduction to our three characters up close… with a little hint to what they’re all about and what adventures they’ll be illustrating. :]

Nice work though Kim.

See some more info about Animails in the navigation bar. ;]

Love Ryan :]
x

Meet Ella [Animails #1]

…She’s an elephant.
And she’s a good friend of mine. ;]

Thanks to Ella [and her friends], many of the people around the world will begin to understand exactly how it feels to be an exchange student in Europe. :]

Hope you enjoy her stories. ;]

Here Ella, like every exchange student, struggles to cope with a fluctuating waste line as she tries on some new jeans.

Ryan
x

Potter Parodies… [#12]

Today’s Song: Butterfingers - Yo Mama

I LOVE that the world has taken to creating hilarious photos from movies…. it’s a newly found cultural magnet…
and parodies seem to kick-ass at the box office… (Think the Scary Movie series).

But there’s one thing that I’ve begun to fall in love with again, simply from doing a quick google search, and that’s Harry Potter. The amount of hilarious images taken from the film, often with memorable lines from films such as Mean Girls, is astonishing. Here below are a bunch of HILARIOUS images. Scroll through, I almost wet my pants from laughing. ;]

Oh yeah, and, Harry Potter is much better than Twilight.

Have a great week.
Ryan
x

[#1] [#2] [#3] [#4] [#5] [#6] [#7] [#8] [#9] [#10] [#11]

I’m THIS Special…

As I seem to be one of the extra loud and out there exchange students, it doesn’t surprise in the least that I ended up being in someone’s dream…. doing something incredibly bizzare.

Here’s what Kim (the one with the crazy imagination) told me happened…

“You were the son of a rich rotarian and were staying next door to me in Finland. I came out for a walk and you were lounging beside a burning BMW. I asked what the hell you were doing and you said you were practicing burning one, because you were bored. Then you walked over to look at your fake dead child and said, ‘better do it properly next time’.
Then I walked over to where you were standing and my diary caught fire.
I then woke up screaming ‘my diary’ only to have my mum come in and tell me to shut-up.
then I really woke up and was like ‘wtf, better tell ryan’.”

She said “it seemed to real!” and that she forgot to mention a little bit… “you were like ‘fuck, I need to practice robbing banks’, I was like, ‘aren’t you rich already?’ and you’re like, ‘yeah, but I’m not cool like those guys who just run in and smash the place’.”

I guess it’s nice to know that people think about me in their sleep…. ;]

Enjoy your day guys. :]
And sweet dreams to those across the world.

Ryan
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